In the following weeks I am steadily approaching my new goal: 45 kilograms. I have never felt that weak before. I faint several times daily and I can only walk leaning against the walls. Sometimes even this is not enough support and I fall to the floor. I often don’t feel my legs at all, or my knees go numb and weak and I simply collapse. The nurses are getting worried because it’s obvious that I am going downhill. Read More
“Anja’s amazing transformation gave me unspeakable inner power to get my life on track once again.”
“I was hungry for this book. I expected it long before it was written. After I wrote my book about the struggle with anorexia, I hoped to see another book on eating disorders from a personal point of view. I am so grateful for your book! It reminded me of how much pain we are able to cause to ourselves and that no one can hurt us like we can hurt ourselves. But most of all, I was reminded that no one else can LOVE us like we can love ourselves. Anja, a big compliment to your book! It contributes to the understanding of eating disorders in a compassionate way, without unnecessary condemnations. You can be proud of yourself! You will, I believe, feed a lot of people with your story, alleviate feelings of loneliness and show that no matter the problems we have – it’s important that we address them in a self-friendly manner. I want you to really enjoy your life! And that you love yourself completely – because you deserve it! “
The feeling of dread that accompanies each meal is terrible. Sometimes I am so anxious I literally tremble all over; smoking soothes my nerves a little. I feel guilty about everything I eat but I would also feel guilty not eating. I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Nevertheless, my body is feeling better, so slightly it’s hardly worth mentioning but still. If nothing else, I manage to sit and study for hours on end. I am still as stubborn as ever and I am determined to pass the year despite everything. I study like crazy, even if partly because I’ve convinced myself that studying burns calories. I stay away from the weighing scales just in case.
Oh, yes, I do know eating disorders. I know them as much as I possibly could: I was battling bulimia and anorexia for ten long years, we were literally best friends. I really felt this was a lifestyle that served me, made me a better person and enabled me to be in control of my life. I, too was “only cautious about healthy food”, “only taking care of myself properly”, “only caring about making myself a better person”. And this close friend nearly killed me.
As far as I can tell, pretty much anybody who hasn’t experienced eating disorders, doesn’t really understand them. Even I had trouble »figuring them out«, despite my own ten-year-long experience. Luckily, I did manage to win the battle. But not only did I win, I learned to understand my disease. After, I started to THRIVE. Nowadays, I use my experience to help young people find their own way of healing themselves.