»I never thought that the greatest pain I ever experienced would become my greatest inspiration.«
This is a phrase that perfectly describes me, my feelings and my story. If I had to choose one word to describe myself, I would probably opt for “artist”. Were someone to tell me some years ago that I would publish a CD with my own songs, write music for some of Slovenia’s finest singers and even publish an autobiography – all within one year – I would be absolutely certain that this person was out of their mind. I would be haunted by a harsh inner monologue telling me I was not good enough, I was too young, not interesting enough, that nobody would be interested in hearing my story or working with me professionally etc. As you can imagine, my life has not always been this great.
When I was a teenager, all my unresolved injuries erupted in a self-destructive bulimic period, which lasted for nearly a decade. Food became a means of control. I was over-eating in order to suppress the sadness and anger that were bottling up throughout my childhood. I was throwing up regularly to get rid of those unwanted feelings. I was habitually stealing. I was cutting myself and once nearly slit through the sinews of my left arm. I made alcohol and substance abuse into a habit. I had lost so much weight that I would faint several times daily. When I hit rock bottom, I was puking blood, I no longer had periods and I was trembling constantly – trembling with fear but also due to general muscle weakness and feeling fatigued.
I felt like I had no control whatsoever over my own life. I hated myself, my femininity, my body, I hated food, my parents, I hated the entire world for not accepting me. For a very long time I was unable to see that I was the one rejecting myself and that the rest of the world had very little – or even nothing – to do with it.
DIET. BINGE. PUKE. REPEAT.: How can I start loving myself again?
The journey on the road of destruction continued until one day I tried to sing one of my favourite pieces – and failed. My voice, the only good thing I had left, the only thing I truly loved about myself, the wonderful gift I was blessed with, was gone. I had become too weak to sing. My body couldn’t take the strain.
It was then and only then that I finally “woke up” and realized that I needed to stop the self-destructive madness. Singing was, in those days, the only reason for living I still had left. Without it, there would be nothing left for me to do but kick the bucket. So this was the crucial turning point for me – overnight, I decided that I wanted to live after all. I was, despite everything, still hungry for life.
This realization, however, didn’t bring instant improvement. My body recuperated much faster than my mind and my soul could. I was still too frightened to look into my past and deal with the monsters that haunted me. I only managed to do that some years ago (i.e. in August 2013) and that was when my growth began. I found a wonderful way to break the emotional bond with my past. Today, I can say that I have forgiven everyone who hurt me and – more importantly – I have also forgiven myself. It was only after I managed to let go of my inner grudges that I learned to really, fully, unconditionally love myself.
I talk about:
- 15 “IRON CHUNKS” (painful childhood memories, injustices, unfair events) that led to specific negative beliefs and made me susceptible to bulimia (my personal experience)
- 5 “GOLDEN GRAINS” (my talents, some events that silently confirmed my value, my worthiness)
- a MAGNET that connected all the Iron Chunks in one heavy lump that made me sink
- INFLUENCES: WHO and HOW contributed to my disease
- PERSONALITY TRAITS: what made me a possible bulimia victim
- PERSONAL STORY: raw and uncensored story of 10-year-long life with bulimia
- MY RECIPE: how I managed to fully recover (using my Golden Grains)
- 10 other personal eating disorder stories
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